“I am equally happy going out and staying in. I can pull off a cocktail dress one minute, and sweats the next! I love my friends and family – they are the most important things in the world for me! I’m very funny, and humor is very important to me. I want to travel and settle down. Looking for my partner in crime!”

Ugh. You know it’s Sunday when you can quote a girl’s profile before you’ve even read it.

Sunday morning is, for the edating world, the equivalent of Saturday night. All the folk who’ve gone to the plate and struck out – or got a hit and found it empty – or didn’t even get invited to the game – whatever, this metaphor’s getting long in the tooth – Sunday morning is a time for lounging with your love, and when you don’t have that love, you go online looking for it.

Sunday is absolutely the best time to contact matches. They’re probably online – you might wind up in a chat. They’ve got the time to read and respond – you’re less likely to get lost in the pile of to-dos and maybes that build up over the week. A good Sunday reinforcing new connections will net you three or four dates over the next seven days. And a good Sunday with new connections will net about the same for the week after.

Sunday is also the day that 80% of the profiles meld into one big, ugly mess. So many girls say the exact same thing – and guys’re no better. According to the groans I’ve heard from women, we talk way too much about our car, our love of Harry Potter (really? C’mon guys…), our gym memberships (a little transparent, don’t you think?) and the common ones like familial love, travel, how we’re just hilarious, etc.

This, this is the worst part about Sunday (aside from the fact that you’re online talking at pixels instead of offline in loved arms giggling and rolling about and getting in maple syrup food fights and – ok, it has obviously been awhile since I’ve been in something serious, but you know what I mean).

I’ve got a few guidelines. When I’m dealing with Another Generic Profile – well, I try not to judge it too quickly, you still have no idea who’s on the other end. BUT! Distance becomes a deciding factor – distance from me, from my preferred age range (skewed lower – I know, men are pigs, but we’re immature pigs and this makes sense), and maybe most importantly, time since last online.

If you’re dealing with the most wonderful profile in the world and she ain’t been around for three weeks, she probably never will be. Oh, I’ll occasionally leave witty messages with a little invite to get in touch if she’s ever back – and that works way more often than it should, and it’s always such a pleasant surprise. This, in fact, is how I became friends with the nude-modeling sometimes fetishing Suicide Girling cam girl (the online world is fun). She opened her profile by saying she doesn’t fib. How can you not love someone who says fib?!!

But, in the normal course of things, if you are too distant in any area – time, locale, age – then you need to make it up in the profile, in beauty or brains or both, make me smile and want more instead of sigh and think “How the hell do I crack into this boring description and come up with something fun or funny to say?” Make my job easier, and you’re much more likely to hear from me.

And if you’re a 28 year old living in Baltimore who is online now and you’ve got some panache in your profile – oh, you’re hearing from me now, and I’m bringing my A game. Let’s see what you do with it.

Rule #4: Be Original.

If I read partner-in-crime one more time, I’m shooting you like a real crime partner would. Different is attractive. It’s interesting – I perk up. I immediately want to know more – I want to know how deep this goes, if I can explore this girl for months and still find new things.

Sure, some folk won’t like the oddities you show – but those would never have lasted anyway. Getting a little crazy with your profile both makes you more appealing, and weeds out the bad matches. Let it all hang out – the chips will fall where they should.