Nothing like a laptop tea bath to take your dating life offline. In a sleep-wrist flick, my full glass landed squarely on my computer – and there went everything. Not the best morning.

I could check on things with my phone, but really, it’s tough to be fun and flirty one misplaced thumbprint at a time. So, rather than try to remember which apps capitalize sentences in messages and which don’t – and whether it’s better to be anal about capitalization or not – I head to the slightly dirtier, dingier, slightly fleshier analog version of the edating world: the bars.

Let’s be clear: I’m perfectly comfortable in the milieu – too much so, almost certainly – and I like to keep my skills sharp regardless of edating. But I’ve an edge going out these evenings. I’m wanting for a little adventure – anything to keep me from trying to start my drying computer, all the good it did. And I know this digital hiccup will interrupt my cycles, I need some fill-ins.

And I do a pretty good job of it too. Out at the first bar, there’s only one group of good-looking ladies. I play with them just a teensy bit as they pass my pool table on their way to the bathroom. I watch a few douches crash and burn. Up I go – married wingman by my side – and commend them on the quick dispatchments.

“You know the problem – she’s too friendly. Everyone thinks she wants to fuck them.”

“That’s not true! You didn’t think I wanted to fuck you, did you?” she asks me, flashy those flirty eyes that get her in trouble all evening.

“Of course I did.” I deadpan. “And we both know you still do.”

“Really? Well you should know I don’t want your dick in me – not you or your friend.”

Picture a wink sitting in my mouth from here on out. “Well, he’s married. And as for me – lie to yourself if you must, but don’t worry – it wasn’t on offer anyway. Man – to think I’d have the same taste as those guys? I’m a little insulted now.”

And back and forth we go – the cocky game of the bar pick-up in full swing. I get contact info, of course – let me open my mouth and start playing, I will leave with your info – but some contrasts between on and offline came into sharp relief.

I meant it, by the way. When asked if I thought she wanted me, I absolutely did. At a bar, you’ve got to believe every woman wants to sleep with you, all of them are single, all are in the right headspace to date, all want something between a bathroom tryst and a never-ending love – and they definitely want it with you.

Most of the time, it’s not true – but you deal with that later. You’ve gotta believe it to have any chance in the first place. At a bar, you’ve got to assume everything.

Online, quite different.

Rule #37 – Assume Nothing

Just because he says he’s looking for casual sex doesn’t mean he’ll sleep with you. Just because she says she only wants friends doesn’t mean she won’t. Hell – never mind the common fudges of online personas – most people have no idea what they really want anyway.

That awesome photo? Could be ten years old, or someone else entirely. That claim of great humor? They’re probably fooling themselves. We all do it somewhere – my grandma thinks she likes being alone, but won’t stop calling every member of the family if she’s got a moment to herself.

OkCupid – my favorite online dating site – has a bunch of studies about the profiles in their system. Most men lie their heights up – most women lie theirs down. Curvy has basically come to mean fat – girls who are actually an attractive svelte curvy are kinda stuck without an adjective. Very few guys ‘fess up to baldness.

Now, your dates will tend to go better if you’re upfront and honest about all these things from the get-go – but most people have trouble being honest with themselves, let alone strangers. At best, we like to picture our ideal selves, imagine ourselves growing into this person who, if pics are to be believed, does little beyond jumping out of airplanes, rock climbing, scuba diving, and hugging koala bears.

At worst, we’re trying to trick a ‘better’ class of person into our arms. (Never mind that attraction is kinda totally unpredictable – classic good looks aside, you have no idea what will turn anyone on or off. In fact, according to another OkC study, women who provoke strong reaction – both good and bad – get more attention than the regular conventional attractive lady.)

But, regardless of the futility of false profiles, it’s a fact – almost everyone has some distortion up there. Don’t take anything at face value – think of them as guidelines, nothing more. And what someone thinks they want can change on a dime. Assume nothing.