I woke up this morning the way I wake up every morning, for about two weeks now.

To the sound of a text from my stalker.

As stalkings go, this one is kind of cute. I didn’t even find her on a dating site – I was on a site where folks share stories. I’d gone there to see if there were any good edating tales people wanted to share – for this blog, for the possible book, for my own entertainment – and this girl offered to open up. Via text only, which was a little odd – but hey, when in kiddy land, live as the kiddies do.

So I exchanged a few texts with this college kid, a 20-year old in Kentucky, and thought that would be the end of it.

Then she texted again. And again. And started calling. The amusing thing is, she would have absolutely nothing to say if I acknowledged her – she was like a little dog chasing a squirrel, with no idea what to do once the squirrel was caught. (This happens. This was  my prima donna dog – I’ve seen it.)

One time, when I decided to have the littlest bit of echo fun with my stalker (no one said I wasn’t cruel), our conversation went like this:

Hey

Hey.

Hey

Hey.

What’s up?

Sup

Nothin you?

Nuttin

I’m goin to a basketball game!

Hoops

Yeah brotha.

Another time – early on in this process – I asked for her photo, wondering if this is how the kids start their sexting and, if so, well, I will let a college girl send me naked photos, if she wants.

But no, she sent me a shot of her bandaged foot. And then a chain forward about bffs, and another about rainbows or something – I’m not sure, I was pretty tuned out.

The only time she ever really got under my skin was when she called thrice during a Ravens playoff game (which we lost). Her voicemail was near-unintelligible, but it sounded like a drunk frat party… and she’s calling the dude she’s never met 1000 miles away.

Now, The Kentucky Stalker’s text screen is filled with unanswered ‘Morning’s and ‘What’s up?’s and… gosh… you almost feel pity.

Almost.

Rule #42 No Stalking.

And while that seems incredibly obvious in the usual definition, it becomes harder in the softer ways of the modern age.

Yes, no spying from a bush. No following someone around. But that means virtually too.

When you mention a fact of life to a friend that you read off their Facebook – but they never told you directly – even then, it’s a little off-putting. Do that with a girl or boy you’ve been out with only a few times, and up goes their guard (trust me on this one – I’m a recovering FB stalker).

Likewise, if you check their online profile every day, they’ll see that in their visitors list (unless you browse anonymously, in which case you have no visitors list – and you want a visitors list. A visit is a declaration of interest – near 100% response rate off a new face on the visitors list. You want that visitors list.)

It can be tough. It can be tempting. Whereas 20 years ago you might write the name of a crush in a notebook with pretty doodles, today it’s incredibly easy to just go see what they’re up to.

Don’t. Do. It. Not only can it become an unhealthy obsession, but you run the risk of getting all sorts of negative emotions coming out (Who is that who’s status he responded to? Is she another person he’s seeing? Is she newer than me? Why would he see anyone else now that we’ve met…) Google “Facebook ruined my relationship” and see the stories of carnage…

My advice? Don’t even Facebook someone until you’re balls-deep into the relationship – metaphorically. Don’t keep checking on their profile to see if they’ve been online since you wrote. They’ll get to you when they get to you – if they get to you. Checking up doesn’t help, and very often hurts. No stalking – offline or otherwise.